Anatomy of a Heartbreak

Unavailable Men

2009-01-03T12:43:00.002-07:00

Without a doubt I'm certainly attracted to unavailable men. Not like unavailable because they're married/dating or even so much emotionally but rather literally unavailable.

James and I met this spring and hit it off right away. We went on a couple of real night dates and then he'd come and we'd go for lunch during the week when he was in town because he had time with his old job to do that but our schedules at night and during the weekends just didn't seem to match up easily. Then he switched companies and everything has gone down hill very quickly from there on out. From sending him out of town with a day's notice to having him stay on site longer than originally planned we just had a hard time finding time to get together. Now he's in town but promoted and they work him like a freaking dog. I've been on the phone with him when his work phone has rung and heard the conversation that brings him into the office at 8pm on a Saturday rather than over to my place for our date. That's the only real plans he's ever broken with me; otherwise we'll make sketch plans and that's mostly because he doesn't want to break plans.

I don't know what to think and it's not like it's keeping me from going out on dates with other people but I really like James and it was just an instant connection and spark with him. We'll see what this year holds but I'm not holding my breath for him; just letting a little part of me keep hoping that somehow it works out.

James is just one of a few that I've met that just couldn't/didn't/won't work out due to literal unavailability. There's Tony, Jeremy, and Stephen but I'll leave them for another day.

2008-12-14T21:36:00.002-07:00

Dating is horrible.

People who say it's exciting and a thrill and even with all the bad dates the good ones make up for them are on serious drugs. How do people do it? The games, the rejection, the horrible dates that waste your time, the good ones that don't go anywhere, and the mediocre ones that make you feel bad that you don't want any more; why for?

There was a time when I was scared of being alone and even now I have my days but for the most part I'm content with my life. It's not great and it's not perfect but I smile more than I cry and I've surrounded myself with good people. And yet I date and I put myself out there and I meet people never with the expectation of finding someone to share my world with but always with a little glimmer of hope. Perhpas I really am getting jaded now and part of me hopes not but the rest of me feels that at least if I'm jaded and unexpectant then I won't get hurt so bad when the nice guys don't call back and when I count up the number of first dates I have had and compare that to the number of third dates I've had. Queen of the First Date, yep right here, this lady.

"Anatomy of a Heartbreak" started as a sounding board about you Mook, so that I could pine, cry, and show the way you're making me feel years later but now perhaps it'll become something of a literal translation of the title. It's time for a change

Welcome to my dating world, hellish and otherwise, the true "Anatomy of a Heartbreak." Here goes nothing...

I remember....

2008-04-06T21:25:00.001-06:00

I wrote this awhile ago but now I feel more ready to post... Being away from blogging has been good for me although I don't feel any more clairty about anything rather I just feel tat I can write again. The connection between pen and paper is different than that between fingers and keys.

I remember everything about the breakup. I remember the way the Christmas decorations looked in the living room and in the window. I remember the way the light played on his face. I remember the way his eyes looked and I remember the way his words felt. I can’t remember exactly what he said I only remember that he was telling me he wasn’t happy and it was me and us not him. I remember being in shock for a few minutes before I started crying and then crying for a few before I started sobbing and my whole body shook with each sob. I remember telling him that I can change and that everything just needed a little more time. I remember him holding me and I remember seeing the first of his tears fall from his eyes. I remember just repeating ‘why’ over and over again and I remember the hurt in his eyes and the way he looked as he saw me cry. I remember him trying to wipe my tears away and I understood then that it hurt him to do this to me. I remember his arms as he held me and the way that he rocked me ever so gently. I remember crying and trying to talk and I remember telling him I loved him with everything I had and everything I will; I remember knowing that that wasn’t a line but the whole truth. I remember him telling me that he loved me but he wasn’t happy and he didn’t know what else to do. I remember knowing that he truly did love me and it hurt so much to know that he loved me and yet I couldn’t make him happy. That hurt almost more than him breaking up with me.

I remember our last kiss and how long it lasted and how I could feel our tears on our cheeks. I remember the way he walked out the door and the way he sat in the car for a minute crying before he finally started the engine. I remember watching through the fogging window and my tears as he finally drove away and I remember collapsing on the floor crying like I’ve never cried before. My whole body cried and my heart felt like it was literally breaking inside my chest. I remember waking up still on the living room floor, the floor and my hair wet with tears. I remember going to bed and crying some more until I fell asleep again. That’s the end of what I remember. I don’t remember the next couple of weeks. I just remember hurting and being numb. I remember that I didn’t cry again until Christmas Eve and Day. I still remember it all and it still hurts just as much as it did then. If I’m not really careful then I’ll start to cry all over again.

It wasn’t the cleanest breakup. We still saw each other and then we even still spent time together as if we were a couple. Even once we stopped anything physical and stopped talking about us everyone that saw us and met us thought we were together. It just radiated out. And then out of no where he ended everything. Just emailed me one day with some very trivial junk and then said he’d see me in six months. Only that never happened either and I’ve barely seen him since. Each time people still think we’re a couple and each time I see the sadness in his eyes that I know is in mine too. Each time it feels strange not to be with him and each time we linger just a moment too long when we hug and when we touch.

And now he’s engaged and it’s not to me. It hurts like mad and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I remember how it felt to watch him drive away the night he broke my heart and each time I’ve seen him leave since it feels the same way. It just hurts and I want to cry. The last time I swear I saw a tear in his eyes before he turned around and then I saw him wipe something away as he got further away from me. I remember it all…

January 1, 2007

2007-01-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year everyone!!

I hope you all had a fantastic night and someone to kiss at the stroke of twelve.

Kisses,
Zoryanna

Christmas

2006-12-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well this will be my second Christmas without you. The time has flown by and I can't believe that it's been so long since I've last been held my you and last felt your lips on mine. I still miss you and last night I dreamt of you more than once. I hope this year is easier than last but I don't expect it to be. I would love to know when it will get easier. How can one miss another so much?

Cooking

2006-11-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

I love cooking for other people. Although I do seriously doubt that I'll ever be married or that I'll ever own an actual house rather than a condo/apartment/townhouse, I would love to host Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter for my friends and family. To me there's not much that's more satisfying than putting on a great meal for those you cherish; it's about the time spent together and the way that food really brings people together. My family isn't religious, my parents all believe in God but they don't worship and so holidays really are about family more than anything else.

It's strange because I never really cooked all that much when I lived at home. I would bake almost constantly but would never put on a big meal for a lot of people. The people I would cook for would be over in more intimate settings; cooking for Mook was always when it was just he and I. There were the few occasions where I would make dinner for my closest friends but it really never happened with any regularity. That's a side of me that didn't really develop until about three years or so ago and now I crave the time and space to cook for more people more frequently.

NYC is partially back in my world. Things are... timid. I can't think of a better word for it. We parted on good terms last time and I gave him the time and space he needed (needs?) to work his stuff out. There's a lot more that has to be said and done before I'll actually consider him back in my life but right now I'm happy with what I have. Although he's far away I have missed him quite badly and I have been dreaming of him lately; dreaming about when I'll see him and when he'll come here. No there aren't any plans in the works for him to come here but it's always in the back of our minds and ever slowly moving closer to the front. He often states that he wants to just hop on that plane and come here and leave whatever is happening behind. I can't say I'd mind a surprise like that and I think of hopping that same plane to see him. I'll take timid for now and work on the rest later.

Maybe I'll make a huge intimate feast for him when he comes.....

Thinking (again) of you

2006-10-28T15:43:00.000-06:00

You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did
Originally uploaded by :gReen shajaRah:.

I stumbled across this picture while flipping through Flickr and immediately thought of you... The title of this photograph is just far too accurate and I still find myself wishing sometimes that it would all stop and the heartache would just go away.... Sometimes I fear it'll leave and take me with it.

Holding

2006-10-04T22:55:00.000-06:00

I saw Cal the other day. I can't believe how he makes me feel. I can't remember feeling this good with anyone other than you. It scares me when he holds me; it terrifies me when I fall asleep in his arms. He makes me remember how good it can be and he sometimes makes me forget how good it was with you. I've never felt so small beside another, like I could be tucked away, and it feels amazing. Mook I'm so frightened to feel like this... this is how I felt before you dropped me and I shattered. And yet I'm addicted to this feeling and I'll keep seeing Cal because I can't help it, I'm drawn to him and maybe this time I'll bounce rather than break.

Standing

2006-09-30T16:24:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think that it's so hard to stand alone and wonder why it is that I do. I've had others offer to be with me and I've been attracted to enough of them to wonder if I should. But for one reason or another I've never taken the opprotunity presented and had another stand with me. I suppose I should chalk this up to who I am. Even as a child (as I'm told by all those that knew me) I was fiercly independant and unwilling to let others help me. My mother laughs as she talks about me taking my own temperature and declaring that I was well enough to got o school. This is the same attitude that prevails with me today. I don't like to complain, I hate to ask for help, and I especially don't like to take what is offered. I have a hard time letting people in and I have a hard time dealing with others when I'm feeling vulnerable.

Enter Cal, he's new and he's got me all ficked up. I can't seem to figure out what to do with him and how I feel about him. He's not perfect at all but he makes me happy and he makes me feel small and safe at the same time. It's an odd sensation. I could spend hours lying in his arms and have done so. I think we've spent more time touching, holding, laying, and snuggling ('cause I can't think of a better word) than we have sitting apart. It helps that we mostly meet in private but still. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel comfortable in his arms. I don't like being held, I don't like snuggling and all that crap. As bad as it sounds, and lord help me if it really is that bad, I'm the kinda girlfriend that'll sit beside her guy on the couch and just lay my hand on his thigh or hold his hand through a movie. I'm not the girl to lie on his lap; I'm not the girl to have his arm around my shoulders.

But with Cal I am. This is not right. Something is off and I like it but I'm so very nervous and wary. As good as it feels I think I'm too vulnerable for my own good with him. But I don't want to stop.

Numb

2006-09-07T20:46:00.000-06:00

I can't cry though I often feel the tears well up in my eyes. You've asked her to marry you and she said yes. Smart girl. I know very little about this woman that you apparently love. All I know I've heard second hand as even you've said so little about her that it barely registers. When you spoke of her last with me your eyes flew to your feet, you stumbled, and you changed the subject. When your eyes met mine again I saw the pleading that said don't ask. I didn't.

I feel numb from the news. Like someone has punched me in the stomach and then has sat on my chest completely preventing me from taking in air. I can't believe you're getting married and it's not to me. You even asked her on the mountain side the way you always said you'd like to ask me. You'll be 25 next year and you always wanted to be married by 25. It's like you had a plan and you're going on with the plan no matter what. Is this why you couldn't promise to try to stay in touch?

All I know is every one thinks she's the complete opposite of me and no one will answer me straight when I ask if she's right for you. The say she's good, they say she's nice, they don't say yes and they don't sugar coat things for me. These people have all been brutally honest with me but they don't want to say if they think she's right for you. I know they think she isn't... I can hear what they aren't saying because I don't think Drea's husband is right for her and they're saying all the things I do.

I love you Mook. If you're happy then I'll be happy for you. I love you too much to want you to be unhappy. But I hope you're marrying because you love her and not because you're 25 or scared of being alone.

I'm still too numb to feel and the tears won't fall.

Winded

2006-09-05T17:54:00.000-06:00

Mook asked her to marry him and she said yes.....

I'm not sure how I feel.... right now I'm numb....

Seeing you....

2006-08-16T20:50:00.000-06:00

So I saw you again for the first time in over a year. We talked, we even laughed. We shared those longing and sideways glances that we both knew so well. Your eyes said more to me than your words and the tone and way you spoke both lifted my spirits and broke my heart.

You said you missed me. You said that it was a two way street when it comes to staying out of touch. You said that you missed our friendship and you said you were sorry for being away for so long.

Our last hug was long and tight and familiar. When you held my hand it was like everyone else was gone. When you looked in my eyes it took everything I had not to show you my soul.

Then you said that you couldn't promise that you'd talk to me again before another year passes. Then you said you couldn't even promise me that you'd try.

That's when you broke my heart. I could feel it burn in my chest. I could see the pain in your face; the wistfulness in your eyes. And as you finally turned away, I could see the pull of tears.

I cried silently the next night. I tried so hard not to but I did. Only a handful of tears but their buildup was intense.

Why can't you just try? Why can't you promise that? Why does it hurt you to look at me?

I don't understand why and I think I might cry again...

I miss my friend in you...

And now I have another photo of you and I that I can't bear to look at. I'll have to add that to my box of you. I miss you.

Thinking of him

2006-08-10T12:05:00.000-06:00

I was thinking of TK the other night... actually I dreamt of him last night. I've spoken with him a few times since I've seen him last and I know that he'll be returning to this area in a few months. I've missed him and every conversation with him is long and wonderful. He surprisingly gets to the bottom with me so quickly and seems to just get me so well.

It's funny how this all works out. There's so much that I taught him and he was easily the least experienced older man I've ever been with. He allowed me to keep up my practice with him and he always knew when to hold me and when not to. That's a hard thing to know since I'm not a big cuddly person or have a preference to being held. But he did know and our short time together was very intimate in much more than the physical sense. I so enjoy his company be it online, on the phone, or in person.

This morning I woke up with such a feeling of peace and so relaxed. It felt like it did when I would wake up after a night with him. TK had such a calming prescence. I'm very much looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him again. I have a feeling I'll be hearing from him in the next day or two.

And here I am again...

2006-08-02T00:23:00.000-06:00

I have no idea why I let myself get all sucked in like this. Some people really capture my attention and keep me completely... I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. All I know is that it has happened again and I don't know what to do about it. I swear that I'm a glutton for punishment in that I keep hanging on and waiting. And to make matters worse, I jump whenever he pays any attention to me. It makes my whole flipping day and I hate it. He's flat out ignored any contact I've tried to make over the past two days and it's driving me crazy. What I don't understand is why it's making me crazy? In the past I would've just walked away from this mess. I don't have time for nor need a guy to treat me like this but I'm still here and I'm still taking it. Good lord Mook am I losing my mind here? Am I losing my edge? Part of me wants to blame this on you because before you I was way more cold and hard. I wish I could just push all thoughts of him out of my head and move on.

This should be so over.

Walking

2006-07-18T01:29:00.000-06:00

I've taken to walking again. It feels so good just to go out and wander around thinking. You know me, I always like to walk late at night... I do get some stares from people passing by and the cops always slow down when they see me walking alone at 3am. At least now I have the dog to keep me company. He's the only company I have when I go out walking at night. Sometimes I don't take him though and those are the nights that I walk the longest. I miss having you to walk with; I miss having someone to walk with. There was a solid year when I had someone to walk with whenever I needed it. Not you but someone and it felt so good just to walk. We weren't romantic, just really close. We'd hold hands when we stopped talking and we would walk for hours. Lord I miss that. I miss the company some days; I hate to admit that I'm lonely but I am. My walk tonight was very nice and wonderfully long but I would've rather had someone just hold me in their arms for a few minutes and not say anything, just hold me.

NYC is back

2006-07-08T11:58:00.000-06:00

You never knew him. You probably never will. He captured my attention and held it for so long and yet he was so far away from me. NYC emailed me just over a month ago. It took me a few days to decide whether or not to respond, he hurt me and you know how I get about it. The only thing is that I had been thinking about him and I knew that he was going to contact me again. It took longer than I thought but I was right and then I had to deal with this email.

I think he may have been initially disappointed that I hadn't jumped back to where we were right away; I'm sure my cautiousness showed through my words. I wasn't and am not ready to let him that far into my heart again. He'll only hurt it. But we continued conversing by email and then there was a couple of short calls and calls that only made it to the answering machine. Distance was hard before and time zones make it really difficult... if only his sleeping patterns were like mine.

Then came the big conversation. With the roommate gone for the night, I settled in to have a good phone call with NYC. And we talked, and he talked... a lot. He told me about things that had happened while we were closer and things that had happened when he was absent from my life. He had a girlfriend, off and on, throughout all of our interactions. He never told me this before. He and her are still together although she doesn't make him happy. He told me that he's afraid to be alone and that I'm the more dangerous option and it scares him. I don't believe that. It's too easy to be with me in that we aren't together. We live a world apart and so it's easy to want to be with me and it's easy to become infatuated (not the word he used at all) with me because I'm not there. I'm not threatening and in a way, it's not real.

But I can't ignore that he has a girlfriend. I will and would very much like to stay in contact; I can keep this all platonic. There are only two things I will not ever stand for in a boyfriend/relationship: never hit me and never cheat on me. I will not be the other woman in any sense. So I've been keeping NYC at arms length; as close as a friend and nothing more. He keeps hinting at more and his contact with me in becoming more frequent, more in depth, a little more demanding, and (as mine does not satisfy) more morose.

I don't want to hurt him Mook. I don't know what to do. He has captured my attention, he's made his way into my heart albeit not fully but he's there in a sense. But we are worlds apart and I don't want to be his fantasy nor his obsession. I won't be the other woman. And I can't stand by someone who is with me out of fear of being alone. I don't know what to do.

Help me understand

2006-07-05T14:04:00.000-06:00

Why do I attract unavailable men? I don't get it. Lately I've been hit on by two married men, three with girlfriends, and one that isn't available on so many emotional levels that he makes me look like I'm an open book being read out loud. They all feed me the same corny ass bullshit lines... I wish I could be with just you; I don't know what it is about you that has me so attracted; you just have captured my heart and I don't know how to let you go. I'll tell you how to let me go, it's easy really. Go back home to your wife/girlfriend, lavish them with attention and delete every trace of me from your life.

I don't get it Mook, why do I attract all the unavailables and not the ones that are able to be with me? The one person that I want to be with me seems to be pulling away only marginally slower than he pulled me in. Everything was great and now it's almost come to a halt and I don't know what to do about it.

Remember when you told me that I was stone cold and that it was amazing any one ever got through to my heart? You and Allan both have said this so many times and I'm not denying it. However, you got in and there's been a couple others. Phot got in and at an amazing speed too. And now he's pulling out and I feel so empty all over again. This is why I stay so hard. Everytime someone affects me, they hurt me and leave me. You did, he is, and NY before him did it too.

So, tell me. Give me some attached male insight and tell me what it is about me that draws the unavailables?

Migraine

2006-07-02T22:52:00.000-06:00

Over the past week I haven't been able to eat. Everytime I do I feel sick and nauseous after. And then the headaches start up something fierce too. It's not like I've got an allergy or anything. I've had a lot of migraines over the past bit too. It's getting frustrating.

Today was a biggie. Couldn't see really well... still can't. Oh well what can you do? Me, I could go to the doctor but you know how I feel about that. I hate the doctor completely.

Anyway, I wish the headaches would stop. The not being able to eat isn't really bothering me that much, I'm not hungry lately anyway. Besides, I'll be thinner if this keeps up.... that's what you wanted.

Thinking

2006-06-11T09:44:00.000-06:00

So I'm thinking of getting rid of my car. I haven't had it for too long but things have happened recently that have made me want to get rid of it. Funny thing is that I just saw an "for sale by owner" ad for a car just like the one you used to have. After the camry and after big blue. It was the first car that you really loved and you were proud of it. The colour was the same, it would seem like everything was the same. It's actually a year or so older but the picture made me think of you.

I saw your best friend the other day. We ran into each other and he gave me his number and told me to call him so we could go out and catch up. I waited about a week and then called him. We haven't gotten together yet, he hasn't set a time. Since you live with him still, I can't help but wonder if you're the reason we didn't get to have our coffee. I do miss him. You know that he and I were close. You were the original reason the he put distance between us. It was the first time I ever saw you jealous and then you talked to him about it. As if you really thought we would do anything like that to you. I loved you.

Now I miss him and miss you. I'll call him once more next week as a bunch of us are going out. The worst part is that I'll never know if he isn't coming because he doesn't want to or because you don't want him to. And what does that mean if you don't want he and I to connect again.

Scared

2006-06-05T02:49:00.000-06:00

It's a thing with me. I've always associated publicly showing emotion with being weak and so I very rarely do. That tends to make some people think that I'm a heartless person but you always knew different.

The truth is that I'm scared. I fear being alone forever. I hate this feeling that I get late at night that I am alone and that I'll never have anyone to understand me again. I don't want to be without someone to love and to be loved by. At the same time I'm afraid to fall in love again. I don't want to have any of the feelings that I had for you because I don't want them to be torn away from me again. I don't think I can recover from a second blow like the one you dealt me. I still haven't recovered from the first.

I hate being afraid and I hate feeling alone. Worst of all, I hate that I can't stop crying at night and I'm terrified that I'll break down in front of someone else. I want to be the rock that everyone sees. I want to be that cold person because she doesn't hurt.

So here I go.....

2006-05-17T11:26:00.000-06:00

I keep thinking about you without meaning to really. All I know is that something will strike me and I'll start to cry. It's after the welling that I really think of you. Of course this only happens when I'm alone; I'm not sure how much better that makes it though. It's odd because I have done so well for so long but now I seem to be regressing. Maybe it's the other stresses in my life but I can't be sure. It's catching me off guard and crying just makes me feel weak and that makes me hurt more.

The thing I've always been most proud of is the one thing that I regret with you. I've always prided myself on my honesty and openness. But I wish I would've lied to you. I really, really do. It's not something I dwell on but I do think of it and wonder what would've happened if I had just lied. I can 100% garauntee that you would've never found out, so where would we be now?

I'm tearing up again. Something I'm watching is making me remember what it felt like to be with you; to know you loved ma and I'm starting to cry. Why can't I let you go Mook? I knew I couldn't, or I guess wouldn't, be able to let anyone else in but I didn't know I'd feel this empty and especially not for this long. I'm not whole without you and I miss you. It makes me feel so very completely alone. Maybe that's why I keep crying. I wish you were here to hold me for just one more night. Maybe then I could finally sleep right again.

I wish....